The Half Ashed Cigar Forum

In all seriousness, I am always so conflicted about my wife embracing cigars. There's a sense of letdown I have sometimes about her not finding any enjoyment in it. There's a sense of anger I have whenever our shared recreation moments aren't accompanied by a cigar. There's also a sense of guilt I have when my desire for a cigar in mixed company rears its ugly head. I choose her over cigars but I wish she would sometimes choose me over not being around cigars.

It's a difficult discussion to have when speaking hypothetically. Nevertheless, Frank, enjoy your lady for all she's worth. I hope she's as wonderful as my wife AND encourages your cigar smoking. Understand the luxury of what you have found in her.

kurtdesign1 wrote:In all seriousness, I am always so conflicted about my wife embracing cigars. There's a sense of letdown I have sometimes about her not finding any enjoyment in it. There's a sense of anger I have whenever our shared recreation moments aren't accompanied by a cigar. There's also a sense of guilt I have when my desire for a cigar in mixed company rears its ugly head. I choose her over cigars but I wish she would sometimes choose me over not being around cigars.

It's a difficult discussion to have when speaking hypothetically. Nevertheless, Frank, enjoy your lady for all she's worth. I hope she's as wonderful as my wife AND encourages your cigar smoking. Understand the luxury of what you have found in her.

So... How much and long are her protestations? A wife doesn't have to like every thing you do. It makes you happy to be able to enjoy a cigar. Does she fuss about everything that bothers her? Perhaps make a personal hierarchy of what things you enjoy and say "honey, these are things I really want to do." And, assuming they don't inflict direct harm to her or your kids, do them. Other people's happiness, except for the HA audience, of course, is not only your responsibility.

kurtdesign1 wrote:In all seriousness, I am always so conflicted about my wife embracing cigars. There's a sense of letdown I have sometimes about her not finding any enjoyment in it. There's a sense of anger I have whenever our shared recreation moments aren't accompanied by a cigar. There's also a sense of guilt I have when my desire for a cigar in mixed company rears its ugly head. I choose her over cigars but I wish she would sometimes choose me over not being around cigars.

It's a difficult discussion to have when speaking hypothetically. Nevertheless, Frank, enjoy your lady for all she's worth. I hope she's as wonderful as my wife AND encourages your cigar smoking. Understand the luxury of what you have found in her.

LOL. She embraces my cigar smoking -- sometimes. I once invited her to a cigar bar with a couple of friends of ours -- a couples thing. The fellas enjoyed themselves, the ladies did not. Killed our whole vibe because we knew we were going to hear it at the end of the night, which we most certainly did. Then there's times where she appreciates my cigar smoking. Example of this is when we're hanging out with her family -- cousins, uncles, father, etc... -- she'll always tell me to bring cigars over for them and to smoke. This is the ONLY time when she approves. LOL. I smoke regardless, whether she approves or not. And she knows this. The only thing she really minds is that her clothes smell, but a simple spritz of perfume helps.

She's great. Been going out for 9 years. Love her more than anything. Getting about time to pop the question... You think?


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I'm pretty fortunate in that Kristi has grown very tolerant and - even if tacitly - approves, or at least is OK with cigar smoking. That being said, we've been married almost 23 years - and things were not always this way. Early on, she was not a fan...and was passively if not openly opposed. We never had any "arguments" or fallings-out, but she didn't care for the practice at all. She certainly wasn't interested in being around a lit cigar, nor in the conversations/ephemera that come with it.

As time went by, I believe she has come to the opinion that there are far worse, more damaging vices to have. We see a lot of family units broken, dysfunctional, and destroyed because of them. We're both aware and realistic with health concerns, funds set aside for cigarcentric stuff, etc. I think she realizes that in terms of vices, cigar smoking is a pretty tame one to have....

In recent years, she's even come to various events - the Dogwatch Herf, IPCPR (twice!) as the official photog , a few shop events, etc. Heck, her last two birthdays stateside included her saying "Hey, we're near Tampa Humidor...why don't we head over there after dinner?"

I do try to be conscious of the occasion and setting - I don't smoke in enclosed spaces with her or the kids; I try to keep a level head about when it's appropriate to have a cigar or not...just common sense kinda stuff. I think outright erosion has had a big part of the process as well. I've worn down many of the barriers that might have been there by sheer time, conversation, and attrition. I never hesitate to light up at the beach, mountains, or wherever we might be. It's not a secret to my kids nor anyone else that I'm a cigar guy. I refrain if I know it's a stumbling-block for other folks that might be opposed/uncomfortable. I don't hide the fact that I smoke cigars; I just refrain if it's an issue for them...."them" being those in the immediate setting (I know there are folks opposed in any setting...screw those folks. I just use common sense to tell me when it's appropriate or not in a public venue).

A friend of mine expended a lot of energy trying to keep the fact that he smoked a pipe from his kids. Meanwhile, they're being trained in the anti-tobacco-at-all-costs mentality at school. He caught a great deal of hell when they did realize he smoked. We all have some degree of facade that we maintain toward some audience(s), but those in the home/immediate family usually end up generating a good deal of stress at some point, at least for a time. I still maintain that he could have avoided some of the wailing and gnashing of teeth had he been countering some of that public school ideology with his real world tobacco use and philosophy.

All this being said...and as much as I love cigars...Kristi is primary in the equation. If she had a genuinely insurmountable problem with it (however irrational it may seem to me), I'd put it aside. If cigars were a big enough issue to cause legitimate problems in our marriage, I'd give away the cigars and paraphernalia tomorrow. I do make a distinction, though, between just "not liking it" and it being a legitimate detriment to a marriage. I wouldn't give it up without a good long talk about whether it's truly "insurmountable," but in the end she wins out if it were to be something she just can't live with. But that's something no one but yourselves can iron out.

My wife does not like cigars but she does tolerate it as cigars always take a back seat to her and the kids. Much like Frank, certain times with family are more acceptable than others. I also find it amusing in social settings when I find it's time to "escape" and go have a cigar, many of the other dads feel like it is a great idea and their wives are not necessarily as forgiving

In the end, I moan and groan about her "trash TV" she wants to watch so I probably give her more grief then she gives me.

jledou wrote: In the end, I moan and groan about her "trash TV" she wants to watch so I probably give her more grief then she gives me.

This brings up an issue (to go with many more that came up reading your responses. This was just the final one, thus winner. I'm simple). I embrace my wife's likes. I just want her to embrace mine.

Setting: Monday night at the Schneider household
Activity: Kids are asleep. Adult time on the couch. "The Bachelor" on TV
Mood: Her - Anticipation and fun. Him - A sense of outreach/compromise.

I'm sitting through two hours of this "trash TV", attempting to connect to her hobby with her. I'm witnessing a man (apparently on the show for the 4th time) dating and meeting the families of 4 different women. The people and lifestyle I'm witnessing are nauseating to me. A contestant is shopping for needless things, spending unholy amounts of money and forcing her glut upon the male main character. She insists on purchasing an outfit for him. A $3,000 outfit. The outfit consists of an $800 pair of sweatpants. He is obviously uncomfortable but she boasts that this is what she does and how she lives.

I am beside myself. We are watching a program which promotes societal greed as an almost aspirational trait and objectifies women in a manner that would have made our grandparents blush (the outcome of the series is that a man goes from dating 20 women at once to finding the one he settles for). I don't like the show but I like sharing an experience with my wife. I'll even admit that there are segments of the show that have an enjoyable tone (a serious conversation between a black woman and the white main character about interracial dating in today's world and how he would have to think about race differently if he would someday become the father of a black child). The point is, I am finding the good in what has been presented to me. I don't like it but I participate to get out of it what I can, and admittedly, do receive some level of enjoyment.

I feel that an open mind is essential to a full enjoyment of life. I may be wrong but this is what my experiences have pointed to. I often lament the fact that anti-tobacco persons do not keep this openness. Or perhaps a more accurate statement is that they do not maintain the same level across all aspects of their life.

I'm fortunate in that my wife has always tolerated my cigar hobby. It only took 9 years for her to start sharing it with me!!

Can't remember who posted it, but battling the anti-smoking stuff they preach at school is starting to crop up now my oldest daughter is in 1st grade. Luckily, she is already starting to see my side of it. It's much harder to justify my drinking to her, though. Especially when MT has one of the highest drunk driving rates in the country and we constantly see the negative effects of alcoholism in our town, state, and country culture as a whole.

IWinchester wrote:I'm fortunate in that my wife has always tolerated my cigar hobby. It only took 9 years for her to start sharing it with me!!

Can't remember who posted it, but battling the anti-smoking stuff they preach at school is starting to crop up now my oldest daughter is in 1st grade. Luckily, she is already starting to see my side of it. It's much harder to justify my drinking to her, though. Especially when MT has one of the highest drunk driving rates in the country and we constantly see the negative effects of alcoholism in our town, state, and country culture as a whole.

Oofda. I can't even imagine that one. I can remember when I was a kid my mom would give my dad a hard time if he had 2 beers when we were out to dinner. First of all, we rarely went out to dinner. Secondly, he only did this a few times in the whole of my childhood. You could have assumed he was an alcoholic who had promised to give it up based on how she reacted to him ordering those beers. For the longest time I thought my dad had a drinking problem because of that. Reality of what an addiction looks like compared to my childhood understanding from 1986 is a bit different, if you didn't already imagine.

kurtdesign1 wrote:

IWinchester wrote:I'm fortunate in that my wife has always tolerated my cigar hobby. It only took 9 years for her to start sharing it with me!!

Can't remember who posted it, but battling the anti-smoking stuff they preach at school is starting to crop up now my oldest daughter is in 1st grade. Luckily, she is already starting to see my side of it. It's much harder to justify my drinking to her, though. Especially when MT has one of the highest drunk driving rates in the country and we constantly see the negative effects of alcoholism in our town, state, and country culture as a whole.

Oofda. I can't even imagine that one. I can remember when I was a kid my mom would give my dad a hard time if he had 2 beers when we were out to dinner. First of all, we rarely went out to dinner. Secondly, he only did this a few times in the whole of my childhood. You could have assumed he was an alcoholic who had promised to give it up based on how she reacted to him ordering those beers. For the longest time I thought my dad had a drinking problem because of that. Reality of what an addiction looks like compared to my childhood understanding from 1986 is a bit different, if you didn't already imagine.

My name is Mike and I'm a forum addict. Please help. My ultimate demise cannot be far away.

I have a very understanding wife(of 28 years). When we go on vacation she always looks up local cigar lounges for me. And if she tags along she simply sits in the car reading a book or messing around on her phone. And usually gives me a bit of xtra $$ before I go in. Love her dearly.

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